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However, you don’t want to make yourself the victim, so don’t lay it on too thick, Dr. So saying things like, “I’m ashamed I said that,” or “I’m appalled I hurt you,” might alleviate some of your anguish over the situation. Studies show that labeling your feelings can help manage anxiety and depression. Make it clear that you don’t take what you did lightly. Resist the urge to get defensive or make excuses, like, “Well, I didn’t mean it,” or, “Why are you so sensitive? It was clearly a joke.” Avoid quibbling over specifics, and just let the other person have their feelings, Dr. “It’s how it was handled.” During the apology “It’s not the initial offense,” she said. Sometimes when we procrastinate on having a difficult conversation, we end up not having the talk at all, which is what actually causes irreparable damage to the relationship. Bonior suggests setting a period of time to lick your wounds (an hour, a day), but try to make amends as soon as possible. Not only will you spend more time worrying about the situation, but the longer you delay bringing up the gaffe, the more awkward it will be.
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You might be tempted to put the issue on the back burner, but that’d be a mistake, experts said. Everyone makes mistakes.”ĭon’t let it fester. I’m feeling ashamed, but I can make this better. Bonior suggests reframing your internal narrative about the event into something more realistic, supportive and helpful, like: “This situation touches a chord. I’m a terrible person.” If you find yourself in a shame spiral, Dr. They’ll say things like: “I can’t believe I said that. Oluo recommends reaching out and saying, “It would help make this right if you could explain what I did that harmed you.” Don’t frame it as, “Tell me why you’re mad,” but ask, “What did I do?”ĭon’t “catastrophize.” People who are prone to guilty thoughts tend to be harder on themselves. “When we find out we’ve hurt someone, we have these instincts that pop in to want to restore balance,” said Ijeoma Oluo, author of “ So You Want to Talk About Race.” If you aren’t clear on what you said that was hurtful, Ms. In fact, they could be angrier than you thought, especially if your remark touched a nerve. You might think you need to apologize for one throwaway comment, but to this other person, this might be part of a larger pattern of thoughtlessness on your part. “Be open and vulnerable with yourself about perhaps the damage that has been done,” said Andrea Bonior, a licensed clinical psychologist.
#DOING IT WRONG GIRL VERSION HOW TO#
Here’s how to bounce back from a verbal slip-up and heal those bruised feelings. We can apply this repair strategy not just to romantic partners, but to anyone we’re liable to unintentionally offend: friends, acquaintances and co-workers, too.
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The difference, he said, is that successful couples know how to repair hurt feelings when they’ve caused them. As it turns out, successful couples say the wrong thing just as often as unsuccessful couples do. Cole regularly sees couples who struggle with miscommunication. A recent study in the Clinical Journal of Pain found that the same neural pathways that process social distress are also involved in the pathways of physical pain.Īs clinical director of The Gottman Institute, an organization that brings research-based help to couples and trains therapists to be more effective as relationship counselors, Dr. When social rejection occurs, the exclusion can feel physically painful. Humans are designed to operate in a community.
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If you strive to never misspeak, you’re probably going to end up making it worse for yourself, “because then there’s more guilt, anger, upset feelings when the miscommunications and the hurt feelings occur,” said Don Cole, a licensed marriage and family therapist. It’s unrealistic to expect to be a perfect communicator. When you make an inappropriate comment or insensitive joke, the wound is internal, which can make patching things up more fraught. But apologizing for saying the wrong thing requires a different kind of apology than, say, spilling coffee on a stranger’s purse or running late to work. This is a common, if painful, part of being a social creature in society. Sure, you apologized profusely, but you can tell he’s smarting. Inquiring about the biggest stressor in his life (the one he was praying no one would bring up) was an innocent mistake. The words left your lips before you could scoop them back in. Oops! You asked a recently fired friend-of-a-friend how his job is going.